Santa was here

Why didn't we hire a proofreader??

Your knot may king a missed steak. Busses awl overt nu Yorick bare theiss sine. Their unawares that there airer is on they're busses. Leif isn't fare!

HOW JESUS GOT TO HEAVEN

Emergency exit, today at Pathmark

Civil Liberties! Thank you, ACLU!

The ACLU fearlessly defends your civil liberties... ...Such as the right to read a newspaper.

For every drinker who breaks a bottle on Saturday night,

...there's a dog being walked on Sunday morning.

And every broken bottle can cause injury to dogs!

BOOTY FIRST

OK, I really don't know what "BOUTEZ EN AVANT," emblazoned on the wall of an NYC armory, means.

But it sounds good.

Hyyyuk!

This made a page of the long-defunct National Lampoon's True Facts section: the implication was that it was a bag to throw up into. A Google search does not reveal an extant Hyuk Bag Company, but the slowly deteriorating sign is still there in the import zone that surrounds New York's Koreatown.

Google does provide this possible connection, though, of an L.A.-based importer of bags: http://www.importgenius.com/importers/hyuk-min-kim.html

For trips around Manhattan when you and a friend come to visit, see www.oconnorgreentoursnyc.com, and search for the name "TourguideStan" for tourism tips and tricks.

The torture memo

This guy stands on West 34th Street across from Macy's, and holds up this sign. I told him I'd put it in my signs blog, so here it is. He didn't want to give his name. Understandable, given the media power of these right-wingers.

Not that I ever watch or listen to them.

Christian hypocrisy

Jesus said "give away all that you own," not "paste my name on your proudest possessions."

Where to get your dong on.

Call us to put tin over your window!

Flowers? Thank you, Thing.

Yeah? What worlds?

I especially want to experience "Carouse" in Central Park.

There were these two land-owning NYC families...

Funny how tourists never come uptown to take a photo of this corner, where the Cumming family farm formerly abutted the Seaman family estate. The location is just north of Fort Tryon Park and The Cloisters Museum.

The Seamans were landowners and active in Manhattan politics since, roughly, The Revolution. They were last known through the 20th Century, until the 1990s, for their line of furniture stores of dubious style. Their tagline ran, "SEE SEAMAN'S FIRST!" But cognoscenti in home interior design quoted it as, "SEE SEAMAN'S LAST!" Alas, Seaman's didn't last.

But who knows, they may be cumming back.

I Claudius, I Robot, I Subishi...

J & what?

J & what?!?

What if someone steps on them? What am I supposed to see with in the meantime?

Everybody's job but NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

We Wish We Were Telepathic

Travelers seek out this holy site for enlightenment, wisdom and sandwiches

Before there was pizza, we ate protopizza.

This man told me, "You're going to Hell with the Jews!"

Daffy Asses

the big torture memo

How is this pronounced?

If I had a cow who gave such milk

I'd dress her in the finest silk

I'd bed her in the sweetest hay

And I'd milk her 40 times a day.

NY $$$, but not enough $$$ to wash the SUV.

Found in the bike lane -- was someone texting?

It's your funeral!

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

MADE IN CHINA

It's on everything from poisoned baby formula to poisoned dog food. This is a keychain koala, wearing a jacket that bears the legend, "I [heart] Australia." Underneath is the little sticker, "MADE IN CHINA."

Every day on tours of Midtown Manhattan I drive my American-made rickshaw past the Milliners' Synagogue on Sixth Avenue (milliners are hatmakers). The Synagogue is on its last legs; they don't have a minyan to open the day anymore. While passing, I take off my official Central Park Conservancy cap, letting the passengers see the MADE IN CHINA label on the inner brim.

Even this NYC civic association dedicated to local preservation and conservation, in a city of clothing designers, sends off to China for hats rather than have a local company produce them.

Why warn people not to do the impossible?

Yeah, safety matters, but a door without a doorknob ain't gonna be opened from this side.

"You can run with the big dogs, or you can stay on the..."

It's hard to believe that, once one letter went dark, they would let it go until another letter failed. But the most fun signs are the ones in which letters fail, so that they spell something different with missing letters. In 1999, COVE ANT HOUSE was written on a building, from which an N was missing (Covenant House, later the Maritime Hotel).

And the 300-foot-high neon ESSEX HOUSE sign over the signature hotel of the same name got headlines in 1997 when a short circuit darkened the first two letters, leaving a sign reading

SEX

HOUSE

visible to millions of residents living north of Midtown Manhattan.

And I don't even want to describe what "Joe's Cocktails" looked like with the letter T missing.

What do Shriners burn?

The old "we're improving your service" hustle

Virtually every weekend barring holidays, the New York City subways A, C or E line experiences weekend repairs "to improve service." This means that weekend service is never improved. Someone with a green pen interjected a humorous/hopeless graffitti reality check into the signage. For a taste of what "service improvements" amount to on weekends, watch the accompanying YouTube, which I made when they stopped the train two miles from my stop, in the middle of the night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WqhB_0VgwM

IMO, failure to tell the truth on the PA system is the same as lying.

Apparently, they can't spell.

New model: The Chevy Mailbu!

A little mixup down at the repair garage...

Saw it while taking two customers around Times Square on Valentine's Day night.

Hitler's lookin' buff!

This ad for Worst Week Ever was on the wall separating street work on 6th Ave. from the Blackrock/CBS Building. Looks like someone put a little electrical tape on the guy's upper lip, or whatever medical science calls the area between the upper lip and the nose.

Does this tell what someone thinks of the show?

TourguideStan

The first bad sign

Each day I bike the streets of New York City, which is simultaneously the most literate city in the United States, and the home of several hundred thousand people who can't spell. Bad Signs For you will bring you their mistakes. Signs from NYC that took little forethought, and are displayed without any afterthought, will be the staple here.

Misspellings

mixed intentions

unwitting double entendres

juxtapositions

...all these and more!

Bear in mind that I am a sightseeing guide, travel a lot, and take pictures elsewhere too.

The first month of Bad Signs will be photos I took myself, sent out to you at one per day. After my own supply is exhausted, Bad Signs For You may post submitted photos. Feel free to email a photo of something misspelled to stanoconnor@gmail.com. Make sure it's something you photographed yourself, and not an email forward that has been around a while.

Since this is the first blog entry, let's start with something wholesome, something fresh!

TourguideStan

www.oconnorgreentoursnyc.com